I have never found a navigating life and social norms intuitive. For me just to keep going requires constant concious effort, constant re- evaluation, almost daily mini- existential crises, pushing back against nihilism and self- scepticism.
Over the years I have came to accept that, and embrace that as my lot in life. It is never easy but it is always meaningful. My struggle is my life and my meaning. But that is a concious choice- the only positive and constructive response to anxiety and depression.
The thing about life is that none of us chose to be here, and yet here we are and the only rational choice in the face of that fact is keep going and make the most of it. With help of the wonders of modern medication and therapy, life is worth living.
My brain works differently. I see things that others don't see, I question things that we're taught not to question. It's who I am. This personality brought me tremendous liberation, as well as tremendous pain.
Existence is complex enough to warrant being disturbed and mistified by it. Most of us evolved to swim through, not knowing they're wet. Others to intimately get to know the water, drown for a while, and learn to float.
We tell ourselves stories. But we're aware they're just tales. We long for some suspension of disbelief, but we're heretics. Through and through. Often against our will.
There's a deep loniness in being an Avraham amongst Idolators. Everyone worships something, but you hold the Gods in contempt. Neither do you evangelise for the One and Only, as you don't recognize Him either.
You're a Galileo but without the courage and the brilliance. You can see that we're not geocentric but you can't take up the fight. Maybe you believe that some things are better kept Hidden, or maybe you're just not willing to pay the price. You don't have what it takes.
So you turn to the simpler things in life. You find peace,you find love. But you're not sure you've found yourself. You try to be good, to be yourself and to those who's lives you touch. You keep reminding yourself: Keep going: you're already much closer.
By Izzy Posen